Hell is empty; all the devils are here

Fast Food Etiquette

2005-12-27T01:55:00.000-05:00

So many people take fast food for granted. It's like they think fast food emplyees want to be there, and want to work long hours for little pay. How do I know this? Because I work at a fast food place (Wendy's). I have the ability to work every position, but more often than not, I'm placed in the drive-thru. Usually for the late shift. Using two years of anger and stress-filled employment as my guide, I will empart to you a few tips that will make time spent at a fast food establishment more enjoyable, for you and the employees you'll be dealing with. Just remember: The customer is never right, but we'll smile and let you think you are.

1) Ordering inside

Know what you want. We don't want to stare at you while you take your time figuring out what you want. Why would you even show up, if you didn't already know? You're wasting both of our time.
Speak the goddamn language. If you're ordering from fast food, and you're not an American native of some kind, don't bother. Funny though your accent may be, we aren't trained to decipher your mangled attempt at English. If you keep it up, we're gonna start checking green cards.
Don't screw with your bills. We don't get paid enough to unravel the wad of cash you hand us, or unfold each bill out of whatever crazy origami shape you put it in. It's alright if they were folded previously, but when you hand 'em over, make sure they're straight.
Don't pay for small orders with large bills. Do you realize how ridiculous it is to use a $20-bill, or even a $50-bill, to pay for just a medium drink? We don't keep huge amounts of money in our drawer, so it's a huge hassel when we're stuck with 300 $20-bills, and only a couple $5 and $1-bills. If you don't have smaller bills, launder your drug/smut money somewhere else.
Don't fuck with the people handling your food. Do you think we care if you've had a bad day? We work in fast food. Every day we're here is bad. And we know how to fuck with your stuff and not get caught. So if you just have an itch to be a prick, don't.
If we get something wrong, be polite about it. If you treat us with respect and courtesy, we'll pretend to do the same, and we won't screw with your food.

2) Ordering via drive-thru

Know what you want. We don't want to stare at you while you take your time figuring out what you want. Why would you even show up, if you didn't already know? You're wasting both of our time.
Everything in fast food is on a timer, including you, while you sit in front of the menu "uh"ing and "ahh"ing. I'm sorry, but we don't sell "uh". When you take 3 minutes to order, we get yelled at.
Don't ask if we have something. If you can't read well enough to look at the menu for it, you shouldn't be in a drive-thru, and you should have your license revoked.
Speak the goddamn language. If you're ordering from fast food, and you're not an American native of some kind, don't bother. Funny though your accent may be, we aren't trained to decipher your mangled attempt at English. If you keep it up, we're gonna start checking green cards.
Don't screw with your bills. We don't get paid enough to unravel the wad of cash you hand us, or unfold each bill out of whatever crazy origami shape you put it in. It's alright if they were folded previously, but when you hand 'em over, make sure they're straight.
Don't give us nasty change. We don't know what you do in your car, so when you give us sticky or wet coins, it makes us want to chop our hands off.
Don't fuck with the people handling your food. Do you think we care if you've had a bad day? We work in fast food. Every day we're here is bad. And we know how to fuck with your stuff and not get caught. So if you just have an itch to be a prick, don't.
If you're asked to repeat something, just do it, and do it nicely. Don't shout, don't get pissy, just do it. It's your fault we can't hear you, anyways.
If you need something repeated, ask nicely, then listen the hell up. We shouldn't have to repeat something more than once.
GET OFF YOUR GODDAMN CELLPHONE. It's absolutely enraging to have to wait for you retards to disconnect your cellphone from your head long enough to place an order. If you get a call while you're in a drive-thru, let it wait until you're not. In the future, those of you who can't/won't wait, will be shot in the face.
If it's a hot summer, and you're fat, for the love of God, keep your clothes on. Fat guy:. ALWAYS WEAR A SHIRT. I can't count the number of times I've wanted to wash my eyes out with skin-hazardous cleaning products because some fatbody was too lazy to put on his grease-stained t-shirt. Fat girls: WEAR CLOTHES OF THE APPROPRIATE SIZE. If you even think it might be too small, or your fat will show just a little bit, it will, and it does. When in this situation, put on extra clothing, just in case.
If you really need to check your order, pull off and park first. NEVER stay at the window after you've been handed your things. This goes back to the part about timers.
If we get something wrong, be polite about it. If you treat us with respect and courtesy, we'll pretend to do the same, and we won't screw with your food.
If you're compensating for a comically small penis with an exorbitantly large vehicle, turn off the engine before you place your order. Trying to shout over it simply does not work, and it will piss us off. Or, if your car is just a piece of shit, go inside. We don't like fumes.
Pull up far enough. Our arms bend the same way yours do, unless you're some kinda crazy contortionist. If you don't initially pull up far enough, it's perfectly alright to pull up more to correct your mistake. I promise.
If your windows aren't working, don't bother. It's like people not pulling up far enough, only in the other direction. If they don't work, go inside.
Order EVERYTHING at the menu. Even if you forget something easy, like a cup of water, don't ask for it at the window. You had your chance to order before you got there.
Asking for condiments is alright, but only at the window. And if you only want a certain amount, say so. If not, expect a handful. If you get more than you wanted, deal with it. Leave the extra stuff in the bag, and just throw it out with the rest of the garbage. Don't hand it back.
If you're ordering a combo, don't say "combination". That's just silly. "Meal" or "combo" will suffice. But make sure you say them first.
If you want toppings left off your food, say it immediately. In the drive-thru, we're trained to punch things in as your saying it. And our registers are programmed poorly, so it's a huge pain in the ass if you want something left off the sandwich you asked for 5 items ago.
Don't try to scam us. When somebody comes through, and says we forgot to give them something 3-4 hours ago, it's almost completely likely that somebody currently working was there when this supposedly happened. Plus, we just know when you're lying. It's impossible for us to forget entire combos, unless you're a dumbass and drive off before we give you everything. It's impossible for us to forget kid's meals. And everyone remembers when triples are ordered. You may think your face and/or your car will blend in with what you think the cashier will have seen that day, but it won't if you're claiming we forgot something.
ONLY the driver orders, I don't care how loudly you talk from another part of the vehicle.
We only do 2 orders per vehicle. If you have more than 2 orders, don't place 2, then drive around and place more. We'll put rat poison ain your Coke if you do. If you have more than 2 orders, get out of your goddamn car and go inside, You can make as many orders inside as your grease-coated heart desires.

Things people say

2005-11-15T08:18:00.000-05:00

This is a list of phrases I find to be particularly annoying. It will be an evolving list. As I think of more to add, I'll add it.

"What goes around, comes around"
Ever stop to think that this is the 'coming around' stage? Why don't people who use this phrase ever think of this? Maybe one of your dickheaded actions resulted in your current karmic castastrophy. Take the philosophical bitch slap and shut up.

"I'm very opinionated"
No, you're a whiney attention whore. Everyone who's ever said this has done so only so they can complain about every ignorant thing they can think of, without getting yelled at for being a moron. Your opinions are wrong, but you a) Don't know it, or b) refuse to change them. You may think you're winning arguments with your unceasing stupidity, but the truth is, people are getting fed up with talking to your dumb ass.

"I'm a strong, independant woman"
No you're not. You're a bitch. Probably a fat one. Chances are you're ugly, too. So are your friends. What you need to do, is set the cheesey poof down and strap yourself to a treadmill. Women like you are the reason some men are abusive. The offending males were either, at the time of the offense, in a relationship with a "strong, independant woman", or were previously in one, and hadn't worked through their pent-up rage. Women like this make me yearn for a time when being a chauvinist was what was expected of a man. Your woman's acting up? Well then, sir. Bruise her mouth shut and stick her back in the kitchen. There are still dishes to wash, pies to make, and babies to have.

"Looks don't matter to me"
Fuck you. Looks matter more to people who say this than it does to people who openly admit it. You just say it to string along whichever gullible schmuck falls for it. Lower your standards, pigface. You don't deserve someone pretty.

"I love you"
Not really just "I love you". It's more saying you love someone, or verbally assuming someone loves you, just to get them to do something.

Like this:
"Hey, could you do this thing for me?"
"Why"
"Because you love me?"

It's because of this usage that love has lost its meaning, or is used to hurt people. I want to punch the person who said it, every time I hear it. Don't use emotion for your personal gains, fuckface.

Christmas sucks.

2005-11-08T04:04:00.000-05:00

In the Novemeber 7th Monroe Evening News "Letters To The Editor" column, I saw this:

Just who is this 'Mr. Holiday' anyway?

I have noticed in the past two years that places of business have been having mroe and more "holidays" sales and using more and more "Happy Holidays" signs in and around their stores, and I wonder who is this Mr. Holiday whose birthday that we are celebrating? Whenever anyone greets me by saying, "Happy Holidays," I answer by saying, "And a Merry Christmas to you, too!"

I am only one person, but I am going to call the managers of every store and tell them that if they insist on taking Christ out of Christmas, and refuse to change their signs and ads, I for one will not be doing my Christmas shopping in their establishment ever again! If anyone out there (and I know there are plenty of you) agree with me, please call the stores and let them know how you feel. And to those of you who don't agree, I wish you a blessed Christmas season anyway.

(name withheld by me)

Well, (name withheld by me), you've at least got it partly right. I agree that Christmas should be about celebrating Christ instead of giving gifts and getting a sales boost. But where I differ is, there are celebrations in the month of December that aren't Christmas, believe it or not. Just because they're not as "popular" doesn't mean the one should outshadow all the others. Plus, Christmas needs to stay in its own damn month. This year, I saw "seasonal" (read: Christmas) decorations going up as early as the week before Halloween, though these offending stores continued selling Halloween paraphernalia. However, I don't remember ever seeing a store ever putting up Thanksgiving decorations. They seem to have forgotten all about it.

I've never heard a turkey say "Ho ho ho," nor have I ever been witness to 'Santa' going "gobble gobble." So why, I ask, are there "seasonal" decorations going up, when there's suppose to be a major holiday before? Thanksgiving is an important part of American history, and rightfully needs to be celebrated with the respect it deserves. Sadly, it seems to have become a pause in people's "holiday" shopping. A day to pig out and get the day off before heading back to the mall to find a present for that last person on the list. It's my opinion that Thanksgiving should be exalted much higher than Christmas, given how much more important it is.

Disclaimer

2005-10-25T02:54:00.000-04:00

Expect rage. Expect plenty of anger. Expect an extraordinary dislike for Christmas.

I've joined the blogging community for the same reason many others have: I need a place to vent. I don't expect many people will read this, but I'm sure those who do will find my statements.. off kilter. I don't think ranting should be refined when it first comes out. Ranting should be seen in its purist form. Refinement of ranting is for comedy and bland newspaper editorials. And Dennis Miller.

You will more than likely see rants about religion/religious leaders, politicians, holidays, minimum wage, idiocy, and people in general. You are warned.